I used to love my house, it’s turning into my biggest fear

I have been bothered lately. Annoyed. Bored with the mundane day to day hassle that forces itself upon me every time I wake up. I’m not feeling good and I’m not finding ways to improve. Not even sure what to improve… I guess I should go out more. Problem is: what the fuck am I going to do? Go to a bar? To sit alone and go home on a walk of shame? Yeah, ashamed of myself for not getting anything done once again.

“Hi”

That’s what the bartender said when I walked in last time, months ago.

I looked at him and just sat down. No hello back, no smile, just a stuck up, frustrated piece of man with only few kind actions left. Good grief, I wasn’t ways like this. I sensed his ‘oh you don’t say hi and you look apathic? Fuck you then’ vibe and sat there for hours wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he spit in one of my many beverages.

So no bar. Practice sports? I used to. I went climbing, karting, tennis, ice hockey… None of that does it anymore. I tried like a month or two ago. I went to the climbing club I frequented and changed to my nice outfit that I used to be so proud of. My La Sportiva shoes, nice Patagonia pants and my favorite tshirt with the club logo on it.

Meh.

Instead of warming up, stretching and starting with a few easy routes (I used to focus on bouldering which doesn’t require a second person since the walls are low and focused on technical moves rather than endurance) the best thing I could find was going to a route that I didn’t manage to complete last time. I fucking screamed at the person climbing it. Not just an angry comment, but a scream. Yelling my lungs out until I realized I was standing amongst a croud looking at me with judgement and something that had to border on hate.

I left, baffled.

I could give you more examples, but you get the gist of it; I’m a fucking frustrated and annoying human being. I changed from being a steady, happy and amusing person to being someone that doesn’t know hapiness and finds ways to be a douche everywhere. It sucks, yet I feel at home in these emotions.

I got divorced a year ago.

It was… emotional. It was fear mixed with anger. Loss mixed with questions. But most of all… It was life without my love. AND IT FUCKING SUCKED.

Yeah I’m angry. You’re allowed to know, Reddit. You’re allowed to judge me, report me or send me hate messages. I couldn’t give less fucks. I’m angry with the world, I don’t believe in a god, but I’d be angry at him if he would exist, I’m lost in the dark and my fears are only tamed by the rage inside me. And I’m scared to death that I might give in to them.

Are you married? Have you been with your spouse for a long time? I’ll give you a background. I’ve known my wife for 14 years. Of those 14, we’ve been married for three and I’m 29 years old. I grew up with that woman, I fell in love with her, I courted her with dedication and a lot of passion and then I finally made her mine. She was my whole world. Without bragging, we were the kind of couple our friends and acquaintances would look up to. We agreed on almost everything and we were best friends. I guess everything can change, unexpected or not. Needless to say it broke my heart to lose my SO.

We lived alone for years, close to ten I guess, and we bought a small farm in a quiet neighboorhood a year before our divorce. Big house, lots of projects to work on (house built in 1933 so there was some work to do) and the obligatory shed, stalls and big garden with a field behind it. We had about 2250 square meters of land and we were happier than ever. Neither of us had expected to ever own such a place. Needless to say my cats and dogs were stoked after having lived in a small house with practically no garden.

Five cats, mostly rescues and two pretty labs, who are my best friends and probably the happiest dogs alive. Akai and Rumble. Brown and white.

We seperated on pretty good terms. My ex wife had no problem going back to her parents’ for the time being, while I stayed in our house. I really wanted to fix it up still. We agreed on finances, splitting up the furniture and belongings… the house itself would take a little longer for the paperwork to get done, but we had settled for something we both agreed on. Eventually, the house would be mine. It all went fine, no fight, no trouble deciding. Her parents don’t like dogs, so they stayed with me, she took two cats (our new kittens she got for her birthday, Chip and Dale.(https://i.imgur.com/ckgA21S.jpg) and that was that.

So life as it is now began and I’ve felt myself slip, digging myself in a little deeper every day and I started to realize I didn’t have a plan b. No ladder to climb out, nor a rope to get back up there. Life was lonely.

But today, things are changing. I’ve noticed small occurences going on in the house and there’s more weird stuff going on the more I work, the more I uncover. The house has been in one family for generations. Since it was built, only the Horner family lived there, passing it from father to son for multiple generations and seemingly living very secluded and introverted. They were also passionate about their favorite sport; keeping pigeons.

Honestly, there’s more room for pigeons than there is for humans. So to speak. He built a concrete shed-like construction in the middle of our field and it’s clear that they wanted everything to be perfect for the birds. That cabin is better insulated than some parts of the house. There’s another wooden cabin in the attic, with special windows and some well-chosen holes in the roof so they can head out and do whatever pigeons do. I have no clue. And there’s more, but I’ll mention those that become relevant throughout the story.

I used to love my house, it's turning into my biggest fear

When my wife left, I sank for months, doing nothing, not eating much, having a lot of trouble sleeping and having vivid nightmares when I did. Stress can do some strange things to your body and mind and I experienced that first hand. Losing weight, looking grey almost, an unhealthy and dull look, you know.

But a few days ago, despite my unstable state of mind, I finally managed to force myself into getting up and get moving. Rare as it was, I was asleep and had one of those nightmares. I’d had a lot of them already, each one different, but this one had something strange about it.

I saw myself in third person, like some kind of videogame. I sat on the side of my bed and had both my dogs sitting in front of me. I was sobbing. It was a familiar sight, if not for the fact that I was looking at my own back. Even in the dream, it felt weird and it went on. At some point I see Akai, the brown lab, standing straight up, looking at the door on high alert. I jolt up (I still feel that emotion now, it was incredibly real) and run to the door, slamming it open. My house was burning up, flames engulfing the hall and stairway. I was trapped in my room as my dogs were barking and panicking. This is where it gets fucked, why it still feels so strange. I can see the smoke coming from underneath the door, slowly filling the room with a grey curtain that made it hard to breathe. Scorch marks appeared on the door and the temperature became unbearable, when from behind me, two hands came in the picture as if they were my hands, in first person. Only these hands were small, pale and dirty.

That all happened really fast. Hands grab my shoulders and an incredible force slams me forward. Thinking I’ll be dying now, I scream my lungs out as the door gets closer and I’m preparing to die in a fire. But I open my eyes and there I am, standing on the sidewalk in front of my house, tears streaming down my face as I see the flames being spit out the roof, wood creaking and cracking and glass shattering.

But this is what bothers me: the flames stop suddenly. The house remains scorched and damaged beyond repair, but then it gets darker. I mean, it litterally gets darker. The walls blacken where they hadn’t already and the colors start to fade into black and grey. The house seems to be fucking rotting. It actually felt like it was dying itself, swallowing everything inside and looking like an entity of its own. At some point, I could swear I even saw it ‘moving’. Wooden planks slowly morphing into each other, as if they fluidified. Bricks changing places, thinking of it now, Diagon Alley in Harry Potter came close to what I saw. It was disgusting to watch.

Then I hear barking inside the house and I can feel my dogs being in agony. They’re still in there. And the cats. What was happening inside was way worse than a fire. I get up and before I can even start heading to the house, the same hands grab me and push me forward, into the house.

Then I wake up screaming and feeling like I died a little. Everything is always fine, but the horrible feeling remains.

I’ve been having that dream every other night and it would be the same every single time. After I woke up yesterday, I decided I’d start working again. Work hard, get shit done, improve my property, but most of all, shake off the uneasy feeling that has been creeping on me lately.

I started in the attic.

That was the place where me and my ex wife began working. We took out part of the floor already because we were gonna insulate the ceiling, preparing our master bedroom -which was right beneath- being the next step. So half the floor was out already and I needed to clear the space so I could take out the rest. Meaning that stupid cabin had to go, meaning I was in for some fun. Sledgehammers have this satisfying aura to them and I didn’t really hesitate before swinging away at the construction that had been bothering me since we bought the place.

Yeah… that didn’t work out. At all.

My wrist still hurts as I write this. When I swung the hammer, I didn’t expect it to rebound on the wood like it did. I’m a pretty small guy and I look skinny, but I’ve practiced a lot of sport and I can gather a lot of stamina and force (climbing helps). It didn’t scratch the surface, didn’t break any plank, nor did it knock down the cabin. It just rebounded so hard that I twisted my arm and hurt my wrist. Needless to say I screamed in pain and cursed for what had to be a whole minute.

So I dropped the sledgehammer and looked at the stupid thing. It had a massive dent where the impact occured. Let me tell you that messed with my brain for a second. And a few more seconds. It still does. I bought that thing last year. Exactly for this purpose. I hadn’t touched it till then and I was sure it was still in mint condition before I used it. Again, the little, crooked and annoying cabin was unscathed. I didn’t get it, but it felt wrong. It really looked like you could basically give it a little tap and it would collapse within a second. It didn’t.

I just took off my gloves, threw them on the floor and left them there with all my other equipment. Descending the stairs, angry and confused, I kept replaying that one hit in my mind. I couldn’t make sense out of it.

And then last night, I had another nightmare, slightly different, but many similarities.

Third person once more, on my bed once more. Sobbing. It’s like I still remember the previous dreams and I just stop crying, getting up before Akai senses something. I open the door, knowing what to expect, but the hallway is empty and not on fire. The next moment is a violent flash accompagnied by a bang so loud that I jump awake, sweating. I had to come to my senses for a few minutes before I registered that last image. It was the pair of pale, dirty hands smashing my sledgehammer against the wooden attic floor.

I didn’t sleep anymore, I simply waited for daybreak, somehow dreading my next visit to the attic. That is what I did today.

I’m writing this now, because I just don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I’m scared and baffled, wondering if I’m still dreaming.

When I woke up, I took a walk with my dogs while planning my day of work. I decided I’d be going back upstairs and try winning the fight against that cabin. Fed the dogs, small breakfast and coffee, and went on my way. As soon as I got to the attic, that creepy sensation was back in full force. I cursed at myself when I realized I was almost crouched when I turned around the cabin to take a look inside. That’s when I saw it.

There was a black spot on the floor in the middle of the cabin that pulled my attention. The more I looked, the weirder it seemed and for a while, I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. Now, if I didn’t know better, I would’ve sworn I was asleep, but I definitely wasn’t and I was watching that black stain morphing, moving as if fluidified. Exactly like what the house looked like in my dreams. I stepped back and stood there petrified as I watched it move, almost as if it was boiling. After a short while, I panicked. I started hearing little taps, taps that grew louder with each one, taps became knocks and changed into loud banging until I saw that flash again. Instinctively, I grabbed the hammer and almost jumped up to slam that spot as hard as I could.

As the head hit the ground, I got catapulted backwards. I litterally got thrown in the air as I heard the loudest bang I’ve ever heard and landed on one of the exposed beams behind me. Disorientated and with my back hurting like a motherfucker, it took me a minute to get up and witness what was in front of me. The whole fucking cabin nearly exploded. Splinters everywhere and shards all over the floor. The spot floor I swung away at didn’t have a single scratch or dent.

That’s when my phone rang. I looked at the caller and it was my ex wife… I was definitely not expecting one of those. When I answered, my heart sank. She was crying, almost wailing, saying both her cats were gone. Guys… as she’s saying this I’m getting up to watch what happened and I saw two little charred corpses where the stain was. I didn’t have to think or take a better look.

“I’ll call you back.” I said.

I’m scared shitless, I don’t know what to tell her, and I can’t connect any dots or make any sense out of all this. I’ve been crying for hours and I need help. I’ll try to find pictures of the before and after. Meanwhile, any tips or help are appreciated. I’m gonna see a friend now, taking both my dogs, cats are outside.

If possible, I’ll update this. For now, I’m clearing my mind and looking for explanations. Thank you for reading, I hope someone can explain any of this.