Chapter 1

Hey internet. Trying to figure something out about my place of employment. As anyone ever worked at a shop that sells basically anything?

I’m not talking about like a Walmart. I’m saying it sells ANYTHING you could want. From granola bars to potions that make you fall in love with someone.

Yeah, you heard that right.

This shop sells everything. I don’t understand it myself. But I’m getting to a point where I have too many questions to even know where to start asking.

Has anyone worked at a place like that? Did you work under a man who is extremely tall and lanky? Where was it? Did you have a pet frog too? I need to know.

You might be wondering who that is. Well, it’s my boss obviously. And no, I don’t know his name. You might think I’m an idiot but I’m not. That’s how he introduced himself to me when I met him.

“Call me Boss.”, he said.

Okay… Sure. Didn’t bother me at the time. I’ve worked for loonies before. When I went to sign the employment contract, he gave me a needle.

“What’s this for?” I asked.

“I need you to sign this in blood.”

Excuse me?

Now you might be wondering, surely you didn’t sign it right? Well…

I need the money, okay?! Leave me alone. I’m poor as shit. I guess, yeah maybe, I should have read the contract since I signed in blood.

Okay maybe I am an idiot.

Okay forget that. So, has anyone worked at a place like this? I’m in a very sticky situation and I need to find out who’s worked with this man before.

By the way I’m not kidding that we sell everything. Let me give you an example.

One time a man came in. Middle-aged, bald. I work the counter so he turned to me and asked.

“Got anything for hair growth?

I’m used to it by now. I went to my boss and simply asked if we have anything. He went to the closet and pulled out some weird-ass cream.

“Give him this.” He said.

I gave it to the man and I told him to put it on his head (I assumed that was right). He walked away with a doubtful expression but came back the next morning. He didn’t even look like the same person anymore.

He comes back with a full set of hair. Says it’s everything he ever wanted. “Thank you! Thank you!”. Kinda crazy to be honest.

And the monkey paw curls.

Next time he comes in, he was completely unrecognizable.

Do you guys remember those Hanna-Barbera cartoons? Like those cavemen that had hair down to their feet?

He came back to the store looking like that.

His hair grew so fast and so long that he can’t get rid of it. At least not fast enough.

“Mphmm Mphmmm” he complained.

I can’t hear him over the amount of hair in front of his mouth.

He tried to yell at me. But he kind of just fumbles and trips over some merchandise on the ground. He hits his head on a closet and, like five potions fall on him.

I shouldn’t really confess what happened to him online. I’m pretty sure it’s a crime. But do you remember that the shop has a pet frog? Well, there’s a reason we call him “Baldy”.

So yeah, that’s the kind of shit I work with. And under. But let me really stress this again. I. Am. Fucking. Poor. And really needed the money for rent this month. So yeah…

I kind of stole from my boss.

I make minimum fucking wage. Don’t judge me. I seriously messed up. I stole some money from the register but it wasn’t a lot, and I don’t think he noticed. This was at the start of my employment, before I saw all the insanity that goes around here.

I don’t think my boss understands the concept of wages, or even taxes for that matter.

But he seriously doesn’t pay me enough for the shit he puts me through.

Don’t believe me?

During the summer, some guy came in the shop. It was a hot day. He simply strolled in and asked.

“What do you sell around here?”

“Everything.” My boss promptly replied.

The guy laughed, which made my boss visibly upset. And so, he asked for a drink. Said it was scorching outside.

“Give me the best soda I’ll ever have then!” he yelled out.

Oh boy.

My boss gave him a drink. It was inside a weird plastic bottle and the liquid was blue, like shiny blue. I thought it was an energy drink.

The guy took one sip. He said and I quote:

“Meh.”

How elegant.

Shit started getting weird after that. He took the bottle to his mouth again but didn’t stop. He just kept drinking.

I don’t know what’s fucking weirder to see. Seeing a man continuously drinking from a bottle in such a desperate way or never seeing the liquid end.

He was chugging it non-stop. And the drink never ended.

I…I didn’t think it was possible for the human body to balloon that way. What a horrible thing to witness. I think by the time the paramedics came in; it was too late. He looked like a yoga ball.

I remember the paramedics just turning to my boss and saying.

“Again?!” with an exasperated look.

He simply shrugged. Not long after, the paramedics simply left and nothing bad ever happened to either us or the store.

What kind of fucking grip does this man have on this town!?

That’s why I’m getting nervous. I see what happens to the customers here, I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to me.

You don’t really pay with money with this shop. Not for the “extraordinary” products. God knows what happens if you get found out for stealing.

And yeah, my boss is a… peculiar figure. He has a face that’s too crooked and teeth that are sharper than they should be. He’s kind of monstrous looking.

Still, what’s worse about him is his random off-the-cuff remarks. He once turned to me and simply asked.

“Do you know of the One who waits?”

I said no.

“Hum, shame. I suppose it’s not yet time.”

What?

I don’t understand half of the shit he tells me.

Any of this sounding familiar yet? There’s another example I can think of.

One day some dude comes in with his kid. Really low-class looking dude. He’s here for some pliers. His daughter notices some dolls we have laying around and asks for one

He yells “No.” at her and she looks depressed. I’ve seen them before, he’s a real piece of work. He kind of abuses his daughter.

And I mean not the “abuse” abuse kind of way. But if you look at the kid you can see the bruises on her shoulders. Like I said, he’s a piece of work.

I was there one morning when the kid asked for a puppy. The dad predictably yelled no and continued on his way.

My boss sold him what he asked for and he leaves. Pulling his depressed daughter with him.

My boss smiled. I’m unsure what he did this time.

Remember the hair cream guy? Well, the next day, I see just a mountain of hair march through the shop and coming in my direction.

Oh, great another bald guy incident. I thought. When I looked closer, I noticed something.

It wasn’t hair. Like not head hair. It was hair hair! Like, on his body. He was completely covered by it. I saw the shitty T-top that instantly made me realize it was that abusive dad.

“What the *ruff* did you sell me?” he asked.

“What?”

He barked at me. Like actually barked. I couldn’t understand what he was saying most of the time but I’m pretty sure at one point he called me, a “*ruffing* bastard”. He talked like Scooby-doo.

My boss promptly showed up and disarmed the situation. That man-beast hybrid thing was about to get physical when my boss presented him a doggy treat.

“Here you go boy. Sit!” My boss said.

The man (?) quickly sat down and begged for the biscuit. He calmed down and after some awkward patting on the head he left.

That’s years of therapy I’ll never get back.

I can’t get a read on my boss. Sometimes he does certain things that could be called “good”, sometimes he just leads people to their demise. I don’t really care that much; I make minimal wage.

I never saw that man again. But I do see the little girl sometimes walking down the street, she’s always holding a puppy.

There was also that woman that came in yesterday. She was well… devastated. You could tell she was depressed. Her husband had left her for some younger woman. She was like in her fifties and she was feeling down. Needed a little pick me up.

She asked if there was something that could make her look more beautiful. Something that could regain some of the dignity she lost.

You know the drill by now. You might be thinking. “Chris, he gave her a vanishing cream, that gives her a perfect face without blemishes, but eventually her face starts to disappear.”

Or.

“Chris, she gets a perfume that makes her irresistible to every man but eventually she becomes brain-dead.”

Nope. Know what my boss did? He said.

“You look lovely my dear. You don’t need any of my products. Don’t let that pesky person you were with bother you.”

Wow.

“Society puts too many constraints on women to always look good.”

I’m paraphrasing here. But she smiled when she left the shop. (another happy customer, I guess?). Would you look at that, a monster with a heart of gold.

Apparently, my boss prides himself on being a gentleman. I asked him afterwards if he’s a feminist or something. He just turned to me and asked.

“What’s a feminist?”

I think he needs to go out more.

So yeah, I think that gives you a picture of my situation. Anyone been in a similar situation? Have you ever worked under this person? Let me know, please. My boss said he wanted to talk to me in the afternoon.

Hopefully someone knows. Chris out.

Update: Hey Chris again. So, my boss still seems none the wiser about the situation. I didn’t…

Wait, he’s calling me right now.

I… I don’t understand. How did he know?! There are no cameras in this place, he wasn’t even clocked in. He called me, asked me to step into his office.

He’s… he’s so calm. Did he always know? Should I run? I don’t think I could. The only thing he said was.

“Come Chris. It’s time for you to pay.”

Shit.