Chapter 49

I’m the fire, and I’m the flame
The sinner that calls her name,
I’m the villain who wants to change,
and she’s the sin I want to save.
You say, “Be cruel, she’ll never stay.“
I say, “I’ll love her anyway.“

Aylin’s POV

I didn’t understand a thing.

My eyes flickered from the extended hand, an offering, something almost peaceful, to her face.

Is she the one? The one behind the texts, and all those creepy notes?

She was just a…girl, my age, maybe? No, younger, I think.

She was beautiful in a way that made you look twice, then hesitate the third time. A face too smooth, too carefully arranged, too flawless.

Wide, innocent eyes that should’ve felt safe.

They didn’t.

Something about her felt…off. A painting that looked perfect, until you stared long enough to notice the proportions were wrong.

Her smile wavered, just for a second, like a glitch. Then she pressed her lips together, forcing it back into place, lowering her hand slowly when I didn’t take it.

“Hm,” she hummed, tilting her head slightly. “No handshake? Okay.”

She wiped her palm casually against the side of her jeans, like she’d expected the rejection all along.

“I’m kind of a germophobe anyway,” she added with a light shrug. “So honestly…this works out better for me.”

She turned her gaze back to the wall, her eyes gliding over the pictures, “Quite beautiful, isn’t it?” She mumbled, her voice almost soft. She tilted her head, almost in admiration, “You’re very photogenic, you know?”

Her fingers toyed with the strap of her camera, twirling it slowly, thoughtfully, “You make one hell of a muse.”

My stomach twisted uncomfortably. Something cold slid down my spine, freezing me in the spot.

“You’ve been watching me,” I said, the realization forming a bit too late, my voice quieter than it should’ve been, my brain failing to add things up.

“Mm,” she hummed again, rocking slightly on her heels, her camera bumping lightly against her chest. “That sounds so creepy when you say it like that.”

She turned to face me and winked, “I prefer to call it…art.”

My fingers curled into my palms as my gaze flickered back to the pictures, searching, begging for something to make sense, some pattern, some explanation, some missing piece…

I looked back at her, trying to find something familiar, a clue, anything…but I came out empty-handed every time. Theories started to form, but my memory never backed them up, and the more I thought, the more they slipped, like I was trying to hold water in shaking hands.

Her lips pressed into a thin line as she gazed at me, her eyes narrowing slightly, “You’re not going to disappear in your crazy head again now, are you?” she said, irritation slipping through her tone, “You tend to do that whenever you catch a glimpse of me.”

What?

“Who are you?”

If possible, my question had her right eye twitch slightly, her jaw clenched, the annoyance spreading across her features, “What would it take for you to finally remember me?” She asked, then took a step closer.

For some unknown reason, I took one backward.

Her eyebrow raised, “Should I…” She lifted her hands but kept them away, hovering near, “…wrap my hands around your neck and push you underwater? Maybe you’d remember me then,” She added bitterly.

She took another step closer.

I moved back again until my spine hit the white pillar behind me.

The pressure in my head spiked. It has been there since I received her text, but now it surged, climbed, scratched, something trapped inside my skull trying to claw its way out.

My vision blurred at the edges.

My pulse roared in my ears.

I could feel it, the memory, almost reach it, on the tip of my tongue, so close I could taste it, right there, right in front of me, but there was one thing missing, one lock still sealed, something holding me back, almost…protecting me from the truth.

Her eyebrow raised in amusement, her gaze flickered briefly to the pillar behind me, then back to my face, “Are you scared of me?”

My fingers curled tighter against the pillar. I wasn’t scared, but something inside me was recoiling, pulling me back from her, like it knew something I didn’t.

“It should be the other way around, you know,” She added, “Considering you’re the one who is…” She lifted a finger beside her temple, circling it slowly as her smile returned, “a little cuckoo in the head.”

“What do you want from me?” I asked.

“I want you to remember me.”

“It would be easier to do that if you just told me who the hell you are,” I shot back, my spine straightening, irritation cutting through the pressure in my head.

Disappointment flickered across her face, her lips curling up in thought, then she shook her head, “No.”

Her fingers drifted to the strap of her camera, twisting it between them, absentmindedly, “If I tell you, you’d just erase it all over again, and we can’t have that. I don’t want you to know it. I want you to remember it…remember everything.”

Frustration seeped into her expression now, threading through the calm. “Why can’t you just remember, Aylin?”

My jaw clenched. “Remember what?” I snapped, my voice rising despite myself. “It’s not like I’m choosing not to, what do you want me to remember?”

“You are choosing,” she said, nodding once.

“It’s just not the kind of choice you’re aware of, though,” She added, clicking her tongue in disapproval, “That’s the thing about you…if you don’t like something, if you don’t like how it feels…”

Her finger lifted again, tapping lightly against my temple…once…twice.

“…this messed-up brain of yours,” she murmured, “fixes it.”

“It smooths it out,” She went on, her voice almost reasonable, like she was explaining a concept to a child, “cuts out the edges, deletes the parts that don’t fit the version of you that you can live with.”

Her eyes darkened slightly, “I don’t like that,” She shook her head, “You don’t get to walk away from it. You don’t get to rewrite it.”

She stepped closer, the tip of her shoe bumping with mine, close enough that I could see every freckle on her skin, and every tiny shift in her expression.

“You don’t get to live a guilt-free life,” She added, “You don’t get to take something from me, you don’t get to steal my life and live without that guilt, Aylin. You see, that’s all I want from you…I just want you to remember.”

My eyes flickered between hers, then slipped past her to the wall, to the last picture, to the little girl sitting beside me.

My chest tightened.

Is that…her?

My gaze dragged back to her face, searching, pushing, forcing something, anything, to align, to click…to make sense, but my mind refused, like there was something inside it, hands pressed hard against closed doors, holding them shut, keeping something in, or…

Keeping her out.

My silence, my clueless look seemed to fire her up. Her expression cracked, twisting into anger as rage bled through the seams, something sharp and furious and far too heavy for someone her age to carry.

Her hands shot forward, gripping my shirt, fingers twisting into the fabric like she meant to tear through it, through me. “For god’s sake, just remember it!”

She jerked me, and my body moved, but I didn’t fight back, didn’t push her away. I felt powerless, my brain and survival instinct lagging, totally unresponsive.

“Remember me, just…just fucking remember me already,” she snapped loudly and shook me again, “It’s me, Aylie, it’s me!”

Aylie…no one called me that, but…

The world around me tilted. The force of it had the back of my head hit the pillar. The little motion felt like a detonation in my head, like a white flash bursting behind my eyes.

I pressed my eyes shut as the pain surged, climbing higher and higher, then crashing down as pieces started to fall into place with a sickening kind of clarity.

The puzzle that is my past suddenly started to take shape.

I saw it again…little hands wrapping around my neck, tightening, fingers pressing, squeezing, stealing the air from my lungs…wait, no.

No, that wasn’t my neck.

The breath stolen wasn’t mine.

I could see a face, a little girl’s face…her…her face, terrified, her mouth opening, water or silence swallowing whatever she tried to scream, and those hands, the hands that haunted me relentlessly for years, the ones I saw in the dark when I closed my eyes, they weren’t wrapped around my neck.

No.

They were…mine.

FLASHBACK

Aylin
Eight years old

I wiped under my eyes with the back of my hand, rubbing too hard to make the tears stop. I sniffled, my nose all stuffy, and looked down at the water.

It was so clear. I could see my feet under it, my legs moving a little as I dangled them in the pool, the water covering my ankles.

“Aylie, I was looking everywhere for you,” Riley’s voice came closer, all breathy and uneven, and then she dropped down next to me at the edge of the pool with a loud huff, like she’d been running for a long time.

Her shoulder bumped mine a little, “Are we not playing?” she asked.

I turned my head to look at her. Hers was tilted slightly as she watched me, trying to understand why I was back here. We were playing hide and seek in the house when I stumbled upon grandpa and Mom fighting again because of me.

Her eyes got bigger when she saw my tears.

They were always big. Really big, and so green, slightly darker than mine. Dad said they looked like olives. He always smiled when he said it because they were exactly like his own.

Riley moved closer to me, her leg pressing against mine. “What’s wrong?” she asked, her voice much lower now but still all childlike.

I sniffled again, wiping my nose with my arm. “Mom and grandpa are fighting,” I mumbled, “I heard them…mom wants to send me away again.”

More tears came, even though I tried really hard to stop them. I shook my head quickly, “I don’t want to go there again, I don’t want to…it’s so quiet and lonely…”

There is no grandpa there, no Riley, and no Dad…I’d be all alone again. They give me some medicine that makes me sleepy all the time. I don’t like it. I don’t want it. I want to stay here, play with Riley, listen to grandpa’s stories, and have Dad tuck me in bed every night.

Riley’s eyes filled with tears right away, “What…no, no, don’t go,” She mumbled before she pushed herself into me, her arms wrapping around my waist, “Don’t go, stay here…please.”

I wrapped my arm around her back, holding her too, my eyes squeezing shut as I rested my chin on her hair. She smelled like the flowery shampoo I loved.

She sniffled softly into my chest, “Let’s…let’s tell daddy,” she said between breaths. “You’ll stay…he’ll make you stay…”

I shook my head because even dad won’t help me this time, “Mom said…that she and dad want this and that grandpa can’t stop them,” I pressed my eyes harder, a hiccup breaking through, “Why…why am I not…normal?”

Riley pulled back just a little, her face all wet, her eyes looking at me all scared and confused. I lifted my hand and wiped her cheek, smearing the tears away. “Why am I not like you?”

Why does it have to be me?

My fingers drifted from her cheek, down her neck, near her collarbone, where the skin was so red, bruised…almost burned. I frowned a little, staring at it, trying to understand it…remember it.

Something in my chest hurt so bad. I knew that burn. I knew it. A small, flickery feeling moved inside my head, like something trying to wake up.

A flash, too quick, then…gone again.

This…this happened all the time. This just keeps on happening to me, these little pieces that come and go in my head, like memories, like dreams. I never understood them.

“I…” My voice came out so small. “I think…I did this to you.”

“I hurt you, that’s why…why they want me to go away,” I whispered, my hand pulling back like I wasn’t allowed to touch her anymore. “I keep…hurting you, don’t I?”

My eyes filled again, blurring everything, even her.

“But I don’t want to hurt you,” I said quickly, shaking my head. “I don’t, I swear, I don’t…I love you,” I cried. “You’re my little sister, Riley. I love you so much. I’m supposed to keep you safe…”

I didn’t understand it…the way I would go to sleep, and wake up, and something would be wrong.

Something broken.

Sometimes there was blood.

Sometimes Riley cried.

Sometimes mom looked at me like I did something really bad…but I couldn’t remember doing it.

It felt like falling asleep in one place and waking up somewhere else, like my body did things, and I just wasn’t there.

How could that be…normal? I wouldn’t ever be normal, would I? I would always stay like this. I would hurt her again, and everyone. Mom would always not love me. Dad would too…maybe even grandpa…

I would ruin everything.

I would lose them all.

“I love you too, Aylie,” Riley mumbled softly.

She was the only one who called me that. She said it made our names sound the same.

“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt anymore, look…” She lifted her little hand and touched her collarbone, brushing over the burned spot near her shoulder. “I know you didn’t mean to,” she said, nodding a little, like she really believed it. “It’s okay. I told mommy that. She won’t be mad. I’ll tell her again, so she won’t send you away.”

I kept looking at the burned skin, and my lower lip trembled as I remembered more and more. The blood on her clothes, the knife in my hand, the way I blinked once and found her curled up at the end of the stairs, clutching her arm, sobbing loudly, crying so hard she couldn’t breathe.

Did she fall?

Or…did I push her?

I hurt her. I hurt her a lot, not just once, not just recently. It kept happening, and I never knew when, or why, or how to stop it. Only bad people hurt the people they love, right? I am bad. Mom said I shouldn’t have been born. That I am not normal. I am sick, troubled, a problem.

She wished I was like Riley…everyone did, actually.

Riley was easy.

Riley was good.

Riley didn’t break things just by being there; she was normal.

I wished I was like her, too. Maybe then Mom wouldn’t send me away, maybe then she wouldn’t be scared of me.

Maybe then she would love me.

She wished she only had Riley. She should have only Riley. I didn’t fit. I was the abnormal, wrong piece, with sharp edges that never fit into our family picture.

My gaze flickered up to Riley’s face, her scared but hopeful face, so innocent and trusting. I brushed her hair away from her cheek and smiled, “Let’s keep playing,” I said softly. “You go hide…and I’ll come find you.”

Her face lit up right away, like nothing bad had ever happened.

“Okay, okay!” she said quickly, jumping to her feet, water splashing everywhere. “Give me time, don’t come right away!”

I nodded with a smile.

She turned and ran inside, her little footsteps quick and sloppy. I watched her go before I looked back down at the water. The sun and sky were inside it, moving when I moved my legs.

I kicked a little, making the surface shake.

When I first learned how to swim…sometimes I went under.

I would hold my breath for too long, longer than I should, but I never panicked when I couldn’t breathe. I liked it, actually, the way everything got quiet, the way my head felt light.

The world would fade at the edges, and the darkness would pull me down.

I remember one time, my mom dragged me up, panicked at how long I stayed below water, while I was so calm. It was probably the first time she looked at me weirdly, the first time she understood that I was…wired wrong.

It was always there, that urge, always lived inside me, the little pull inside me that wanted the dark, that liked how it felt when everything stopped.

When I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to be me. Just one moment more…and it would all go away. Everything would go quiet, and I wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore.

That’s it. I wouldn’t hurt anyone anymore…

I stood up, closed my eyes, held my breath, and without hesitation, jumped into the water. It swallowed me whole, so cold and heavy, pulling me down and down, wrapping around me like it knew me, like it had been waiting for me.

I let it take me.

I didn’t fight it.

I felt it again, my lungs started to burn, my head felt light, floating somewhere far away.

Just…just a little longer, and it would all end, it would stop. Mom and Dad would only have Riley. She will be safe, and I will probably go where grandma went…maybe she will understand me better than anyone.

The burning got worse with every second, but I liked it. Everything started to fade, my thoughts slowed, they slipped, disconnecting…

“Aylie, no! No, Mommy!” someone shouted my name, I guess, water splashed, but I was far away, no longer here.

Weak hands tugged at my clothes and arms, trying to bring me back, trying to take me away from the quiet…no, no, I want to stay here…leave me here…

I barely registered those hands, or maybe I did. Maybe I swam to the surface and pushed whoever was trying to pull me far away, maybe the back of their head hit the sharp edge of the pool, maybe they cried out loudly in pain.

Maybe…

I remember the blood, the redness spreading through the clear water.

My head felt empty, floating still, not thinking, not stopping.

I remember my hands wrapping around soft, wet skin, pushing it under the water. I remember small hands on my wrists, weakly trying to pry them away. I remember dark green eyes looking up at me, wide in fear as I pushed her under and under.

“Ayl…li…”

She was trying to take it away from me, the quiet and the dark. The only place where I wouldn’t hurt anyone.

So I pushed her under, and under.

She couldn’t take it from me.

She couldn’t take the darkness from me.

END OF FLASHBACK

I gasped, loudly, brokenly. My breath shattered inside my chest like glass, like I was being dragged out of that water right now, like I had been drowning all this time without knowing it, my lungs had been empty for years and were only now remembering how to breathe.

The air burned. Everything burned.

The memory…no, not a memory. The truth crashed into me all at once.

What I had before, what I thought I remembered…it was all wrong, not just wrong, but incomplete.

Pieces missing. Pieces cut out, like I had taken a knife to my past and carved something out of it so carefully I never even noticed the holes.

Until now.

Until it all started bleeding back.

The memory I had before of grandpa pulling me out of the pool, it was missing something, fragments that I’ve deleted completely. Mom was crying by the pool because…because she was holding an unconscious limp body in her arms…Riley, it was Riley, her hair wet, her lips blue.

I kept trying to look at her, but grandpa kept turning my head away, cupping my face, forcing me to look at him, whispering how it was going to be okay, how he would make it okay again.

Riley.

My stomach dropped so violently I thought I might throw up.

The same dark green eyes were in front of me now, not in the water, no longer fading. Here. Alive. They were getting blurry again, not because she was fading, but because I was breaking.

Her grip on my shirt loosened slowly, like she could see it happening, like she was watching it all unfold behind my eyes, all the things I buried coming back, one by one, unstoppable.

All those memories I’ve been getting back recently, they were never whole. They were stitched wrong, missing something…missing her.

When I had the knife in my hand, when mom pushed me away from her, the blood on her clothes wasn’t hers. No, she was holding Riley, who was crying loudly in pain, blood on her, coming from her, blood I’ve drawn.

When Dad pushed me away that I hit the edge of the stairs. He wasn’t pushing me for no reason. He was pulling me away from her, because I…I pushed her down the stairs. She fell, tumbled, curled into a ball by the end, clutching her arm, and cried out loud.

Every memory of mine, old or recent, every single one, they all had holes, gaps, empty spaces shaped like something I refused to see.

Someone I erased so completely, my mind built a whole life around her absence.

Almost like she never existed, never was there, but she was. She was in every moment, every scream, every drop of blood, and every look of fear.

Every time they looked at me like I was something they didn’t understand, it was always because of her, because of what I did to her.

So, I…I took her out, cut her out, buried her so deep, I forgot she was even mine to remember.

My vision blurred until the world dissolved into shapes and shadows. I blinked, but it only made it worse, tears spilling faster, heavier, my chest folding in on itself like it couldn’t hold the weight anymore.

My mind, my broken, unreliable, sick mind, was unraveling. I couldn’t trust it. I never could.

The pain pulsed harder, sharper, like something inside my skull was tearing itself open, forcing truth through cracks that were never meant to be touched again.

“Riley,” I choked out, her name scraping my throat raw.

It tasted wrong, metallic, like blood.

“You remember me, don’t you?” She whispered, her own eyes getting red, glassy, filling with tears as she stepped away from me.

Without her weight holding me up, my body gave in to gravity, my knees trembling so hard I thought I’d collapse right there. I pressed my palm against the pillar behind me, trying to steady myself, keep my body up.

“I…how…” My voice broke apart before it could become words. Nothing made sense. Nothing fit anymore.

I pushed myself off the pillar, stumbling a step closer to her, needing to see her, to hear her breathe, to know she was—

“You’re alive?” I whispered.

Where was she…all these years?

She sniffled, brought her hand to her face, and wiped under her eyes. The small movement shifted the collar of her jacket just enough, and beneath it, beneath her t-shirt, near her collarbone was skin that was once burned…a long time ago. I could see it.

“Maybe I am not,” She whispered, snapping my gaze back up to hers, “Maybe your messed-up head conjured me up, maybe I’m just your guilt…finally taking shape.”

She leaned in, too close now, her shaky breath brushed against my ear, “Maybe I am not even here, could you really trust your mind, Aylie?”

I closed my eyes, more tears slipping free, my entire body shaking now.

“The same mind that erased me…” she whispered, her voice curling around me, sinking deeper, “Could you ever trust what you see…or feel…or remember?”

My stomach was twisting so hard, I was so sure I was going to throw up, my mind stuck in a loop, replaying that memory over and over again…

She edged back just enough to see me clearly, her gaze settling deep into my eyes like she was looking through them, “That’s the problem with you, you don’t know what’s real, and what’s not.”

Her gaze dropped briefly to my hands, still trembling, then back to my eyes.

“You didn’t know you were hurting me, you didn’t feel it, you didn’t stop,” She added, “So tell me…what makes you so sure you won’t do it again?”

My heart slammed harder, erratic, wrong, and I shook my head, denying it, rejecting it, trying to push her words out.

Her eyebrow raised, and she scoffed, “You think you’re in control now? You think because you remember…it’s over?” She shook her head, “That’s not how this works.”

She pointed at herself, “You carved me out of your life because you couldn’t live with what you did.” Her voice sharpened, “So what happens when there’s something new you can’t live with?”

Her eyes drifted away from me, landing on one of the pictures. The one with me and…Nathan. My chest hurt so bad. Nathan, where are you?

“He makes you feel safe, doesn’t he?” She added, tilting her head as she gazed deeply at the picture, “Like you’re not broken, like you’re…normal.”

She looked back at me, “You really love him, don’t you?”

The question wasn’t a question, it felt like a knife, and it slid in slowly, because I understood exactly what she meant.

“You loved me too, and you still drowned me,” she added, her voice lowering into something ever so cruel, “So, how long do you think it’ll take before you love him enough to destroy him too?”

“No—” I breathed, but it broke.

It didn’t even make it out whole. My throat closed around it, my lungs stuttering, air refusing to come in the more I tried to take it…oh god, what have I done? I…hurt her. I hurt her so bad, I almost killed her, and maybe…I did. I erased her from my life and mind…who…who does that?

What kind of person…what kind of thing does that?

I stumbled back until the pillar caught me, so cold and sharp against my spine, but I couldn’t stay still, my chest shook, every nerve sparking, every memory clawing deeper into me, taking more, more, more…

Something inside my head was ticking down, getting louder, louder—I wanted it to go off. I wanted it to rip through me and end this, end the noise, end the knowing.

I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to remember anymore…

My hand flew to my mouth when a sob tore out of me, my vision collapsing in on itself, blurring into shadows and black spots that swallowed everything whole. My world tilted till my legs gave out.

I slid down the pillar slowly, helplessly, until I hit the ground, my knees pulling in, my body folding into itself like I could make it smaller, quieter…my chest heaving with every breath I couldn’t catch.

I couldn’t stop shaking.

I couldn’t stop seeing it…

I felt a feather-like touch on my cheek, brushing my hair away, “You better not erase all of this again, and if you do, I will come back,” She whispered, “I won’t allow you to forget me again, Aylie.”

I couldn’t see her, not through the tears, or through the dark closing in around me.

Her voice slipped away, or maybe I did. I didn’t hear her leave. I didn’t hear anything.

Time…broke.

I don’t know how long I sat there, rocking, breathing wrong, crying or not crying, I couldn’t tell anymore.

My head felt empty and too full at the same time.

A hand suddenly gripped my arm, firm but gentle, as if trying to pull me back and out of my messy head, “Aylin,” the urgent tone of my name had me blink once, then twice.

The world struggled back into shape in pieces, through tears and blur and shaking vision, until a face formed in front of me.

Adam’s eyes flickered all over my face, before they drifted around, as if to scan the place for danger, then looked back at me, “Hey…are you okay?” He asked, lines etching between his brows, “You were in here for too long. I got worried. Did…someone hurt you? What’s wrong?”

His words sounded distant, muffled, like they were coming from underwater…like I was still there, still sinking, still holding her down.

I stared at him, but I couldn’t see him. All I could see was everything my mind had buried. Everything I tore out, forcing itself back in, every memory that included someone I’ve killed and erased.

Tears slipped down my cheeks, endlessly, and I didn’t wipe them away. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t be anything but this.

The longer I stayed silent, unresponsive, the deeper the lines on his forehead grew.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked, much softer this time, and I just nodded my head.

He nodded back. “Okay…come on.”

His hand stayed on my arm, more careful now, like I might break if he held me wrong. He helped me to my feet, and the world tilted under me, my body swaying, unsteady, but he caught me, his arm wrapping around my waist. He held me upright, grounded me in a way I didn’t deserve, and led me out of this place.

He opened the back door of my car and guided me inside. “I will call Nathan, okay?” He said with assurance.

Nathan…his name alone cut me. A blade she’d left inside my heart, twisting now, deeper, sharper, dragging something dark with it.

The door closed afterwards, and he got in. The engine started, and he drove us away.

I leaned my head against the window, my temple pressing into the cold glass, letting it hold me together as everything inside me came apart.

I searched for her in every memory, every moment, stitching her back into places I had cut her out of, forcing her into every empty space, until there was no version of me left…that wasn’t built around what I did to her.

⊹˚₊‧────────────‧₊˚⊹

Nathan’s POV

The first time I met Aylin and looked into her eyes, I saw the darkness in her.

It wasn’t loud like mine. It didn’t claw at the surface or demand to be seen. Hers was quieter, buried deeper, locked behind glass, breathing slow, patient, but inevitable.

I recognized it right away because it spoke the same language as mine, tuned to the same frequency, just…muted.

The difference between us, though, is that I lean into it, fully embrace it. I let it breathe. I let it stretch its limbs and sink its teeth into whatever it wants. I let it shape me, sharpen me, make me exactly what I am.

She, on the other hand, runs away from it, softens it, pretends it doesn’t exist.

My jaw tightened. That’s the problem with denial. It doesn’t kill anything. It preserves it, lets it rot quietly, fester, and wait for the exact moment you’re weak enough to take over.

My grip tightened on the wheel as I went back and forth in my mind, turning it over, breaking it apart, forcing it to make sense, trying to fully grasp everything I’ve learned, pondering the possibility of maybe not telling her about any of this.

God, it would wreck her.

Layla broke down and told me everything…almost everything.

She said Riley died.

Riley didn’t die. I was almost too sure of it. Riley was alive…she had to be. All those notes and messages, those came from her for sure. Riley wasn’t strong by any means. She is a young girl, fractured a bit, wounded maybe, slightly psychologically messed up, considering everything…

Her intentions, I kind of understood them, predictable if anything. She wants to break Aylin down mentally, psychologically disarm her, strip her down until there’s nothing left holding her together.

Until she turns on herself.

I know that, because it’s exactly what I would do. That fucking little psycho, I would be the one to actually kill her if I have to. I don’t care about anything, I don’t care about her past or pain or whatever she went through…no one gets to hurt Aylin in any way and stay standing after. No one.

I parked the car in the driveway and killed the engine, but my thoughts didn’t follow, still tangled, deciding how the hell I was supposed to hand her something like this without watching her break in real time.

I barely stepped out when Adam came rushing to my side.

“Where the hell have you been?” he shot out, his tone sharp, slightly off.

My brows pulled together, caught off guard by the way he came at me. “Wha—what’s wrong?”

“I’ve been calling you since the morning. Where were you?” He asked, almost scolding. The fuck is his problem? Did he forget that he works for me, not the other way around?

I tapped my pocket, but my phone wasn’t there…did I even take it with me? I left in such a rush this morning, I didn’t even—

The shift in his face hit me then. My head snapped up so fast, “Wait…where’s Aylin?” I asked, “Did something happen?”

My brain had already fired a hundred different thoughts, all including her.

He shook his head. “I don’t know…in the morning, she left in kind of a hurry, so I followed her. She went somewhere, a shop or…I don’t know,” he exhaled, frustrated. “She stayed inside too long. I felt something was off, so I went in. She was alone but crying hysterically, barely even responsive, so I brought her back here.”

The hairs on the back of my neck rose, that familiar, suffocating pressure wrapping around my chest, squeezing just enough to make breathing feel like a choice. That instinct rose. That ugly certainty that something had already gone wrong…and I was late.

Fuck.

“She’s inside, but she didn’t look good, so I kept calling you—”

I didn’t hear the rest of his words as I rushed inside. The door was already open before I registered touching it, my steps so fast, cutting through the house as my eyes searched around for her.

I took the stairs two at a time. I reached our room, my hand already on the knob, turning it before the thought could catch up…I’m overthinking. I have to be.

I pushed the door open, and everything stopped.

My whole world fucking detonated. My feet locked in place because she was there. My princess, on the ground, sitting in the middle of a graveyard of…glass.

The mirror was gone, reduced to nothing but shattered pieces scattered all around her, reflecting her back in fragments, broken versions of her staring from every angle.

The skin of her knees was cut open, stained red, her bare feet torn, marked, like she’d stepped into it again and again, not caring, not feeling…or feeling too much.

Blood spots spread across the white rug beneath her, soaking into it. Crimson splattered across her pink shirt, across her shorts, threaded through her tousled golden hair, darkening it in places where it clung.

Too much.

Too fucking much.

She sat there, so still, silent, like she belonged to the wreckage.

Her eyes were full of tears and something heavier…something so hollow it fucking wrecked me. Her gaze was lowered, locked onto a single shard of glass in her hand, big and sharp, its edges digging into her palm.

A very thin line of blood slid down her palm, dripping from her hand onto the floor beneath her.

Control, Nathan…fucking control yourself. My fingers curled into my palm, nails biting deep enough to anchor me. Don’t rush her. Don’t scare her. Don’t make it worse.

I took one step, two, slowly, not willing to startle her, not when she was like this, situated in the middle of fucking glass everywhere. I suppressed the urge to fucking run, every instinct in me screamed to move faster, to get to her, to rip her out of this, to tear every piece of glass away from her skin with my bare hands.

The glass crunched beneath my shoe, and her head snapped up, her tortured glassy eyes landing on mine, and almost instantly her grip on the glass tightened.

The shard dug deeper into her palm.

I stopped immediately, my gaze dropping to her hand.

“Aylin,” I said, carefully, my heart nearly bursting, “Baby…put the glass down,” I muttered, my voice heavy, already preparing to lunge, to take it from her before she drove it deeper, before she did something I couldn’t undo.

When she didn’t speak, I stepped forward, but almost on instinct, she jerked back, more glass digging into her knees, thighs, the glass in her palm digging deeper, “Aylin!” I snapped, the control cracking, panic bleeding, fucking terrified.

“Stay…back,” She whispered.

I nodded, keeping my feet rooted in the spot, “Okay, okay, look, I am right here,” I said, “just put the glass down, come on, let’s talk about this, come on, princess…put it down.”

She didn’t, but at least her grip loosened, the edges no longer digging into her palm. She looked up at me with so much vulnerability. That darkness I always saw was spilling out, no longer hidden, deepening the green into a shade so vivid.

I didn’t understand if this was one of her episodes or not, because she looked at me like she knew me. She usually doesn’t when she disappears into her head.

“What happened? Tell me,” I said, keeping my voice steady even as everything inside me fractured, trying to lower her defenses first before I jump forward and tear the fucking glass away from her.

Her eyes flickered to the broken mirror, then back up to me, “I broke your mirror, I am sorry,” she mumbled lowly, so fucking innocently, I wanted to wrap her up, lock her somewhere no one can ever reach her, not even her own memories.

I shook my head, “It’s okay, it’s no problem, we’ll just clean it up, alright,” I tried to distract her, let her mind focus on something else, so I added, “before Luna steps on it and hurts herself, right?”

She nodded her head weakly, her fingers fully loosening from over the glass. It nearly slipped from her hand—

I used the chance and moved forward, but she reacted fast, she lunged up, stumbling back, the chair behind her crashing to the floor, glass biting into her feet as she stepped, again, and again…and my stomach dropped as she tightened her grip on the shard, the edge slicing deeper into her palm.

“Stay away from me!” she snapped, her voice breaking, “Stay back…why…why don’t you listen to me!”

I froze, every muscle locking, my jaw clenched so hard it hurt, “Okay, fuck, okay, I am away, I am, look at me,” I raised my hands in fucking surrender, “just stop moving, Aylin, you’re hurting yourself, stop, please.”

I swear to fuck, every shard under her feet, in her skin, in her hand felt like it was driving straight through my heart, one by one, leaving me bleeding.

She sniffled, her breathing hitching with every exhale and inhale, not once flinching at the physical pain she was subjecting her body to, rather focused on something else entirely.

She seemed to be slipping in and out of her episodes, half here, half there, and I didn’t know how to reach her…this was fucking new.

She kept looking at me, tears spilling down her face, dragging red into the corners of her mouth, her nose flushed, her lips trembling, blood dripping from her palm to the floor in slow drops.

Each one felt like it was landing somewhere inside my chest.

My fingers twitched, almost shook, because I didn’t know how to stop this, not without making it worse.

I weighed my options. There was a tranquilizer in one of the drawers, but it was far from my reach. I’d placed them everywhere after the last time, when she nearly stabbed herself with the fucking knife. I knew my princess had this urge…this darkness, this pull to end her life.

I knew it, so why the fuck did I leave her out of my sight?

“I will stay right here, I won’t get closer, okay, I promise,” I added, “I will, but please put the glass down, look at your hand, baby, you’re bleeding. I will do anything you want,” I sounded steady on the surface, but I was collapsing underneath.

“Just tell me, tell me what you want, I’ll do it, but please put the glass down first.”

At my words, her eyes dropped to her hand like she’d forgotten it was there. A soft sniffle left her, the physical pain insignificant in the face of everything. She loosened her grip slightly, but still held it as she lowered her body to the ground, sitting between the glass again.

My jaw ticked, and I wanted to fucking scream but held myself back.

She looked up at me, “You will do anything?”

I nodded, “Yeah, anything,” I said, nearly falling to my knees and begging her to stop, “Tell me, what do you want?”

“I want you to leave me alone,” She whispered, “I was going to leave…I was, but,” She shook her head, sniffling, “But you always follow me, you always find me, you won’t let me leave, I know you, you won’t leave me alone…”

“Why…why do you want to leave?” I whispered.

She blinked the tears in her eyes away, “Because if I stayed, I would hurt you just like I hurt her, then I would erase you from my mind. I did that, do you know?” She let out a low, humorless sound, half a sob, half a laugh, “I hurt my sister, I killed her…I have a sister, can you imagine that?”

My pulse slowed. Her current state finally made some sense. She knows, she remembered…how?

Where did she go today?

Did Riley get closer than I anticipated?

“I removed her from my memories so I won’t…so I won’t face this, so I won’t feel this pain. I…I am such a horrible person. I thought I could be normal, that I could be okay, but I never will,” She shook her head, her tears falling, one after the other, her words dissolving into sobs, “this is who I am, a monster, an abnormality, a madwoman, I will always be like this…always…”

“No,” I cut in, sharper than I meant to. “No, Aylin, that’s not true.”

I forced it back down, lower, slower, steadier.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I added, calmer now. “You didn’t mean to hurt her—”

“But I did!” She shot out, her voice breaking, “That’s the problem—I did! I loved her, god, I remember it all, I loved her so much, but I still did it! I would do the same to you. Why won’t you just leave me alone? I stabbed you, remember? I would do it again and again…just leave me alone, please, leave me…”

The glass cut further into her palm. She was going to tear through her hand. Fucking hell…

“That was before, you were just a kid, and that mass in your head was pushing at all the wrong emotions, but now, it’s different, now we know what the problem is, and we are trying to find a cure, remember? You wouldn’t hurt me, or anyone, you won’t, I know that…”

She kept shaking her head, disagreeing with every word, refusing to see logic.

“Aylin, please, let me get you out of here. I can’t fucking think seeing you bleeding like this,” I extended my hand forward, my chest heaving. “Let me get you away from here, and we can talk, you can tell me about what happened, we said we’ll go through this together, right?”

“I want to believe you, I really do, but I don’t,” She whispered, shaking her head, her eyes darkening further, “If you don’t leave me alone, Nathan, I…I will kill myself, I swear, I always wanted to do it anyway.”

My jaw ticked, “You think if that happened, I’d live another day?”

“But if I stayed, I’d ruin your life,” She said ever so brokenly, “Why can’t you see that?”

“Aylin, my life would be ruined only if you were hurt, only if I lost you, that’s what would ruin me for good,” I said, fuck, the pain in my chest was spreading, crushing my lungs, I couldn’t fucking breathe. Was this…was this what Emma meant?

She told me you’d feel it before it was gone…the moment where you know you’re losing it, but you can’t stop it…is that it?

“If you’re gone, then I’ll make sure it’s the end for me as well,” I added, refusing to succumb to the notion. “Keep that in your mind before you think of doing anything, because I only started living after I met you. I only wanted this life, only thought of a future after you walked into it and tore everything I believed in apart.”

My chest tightened, my breath turning sharp. “You tilted my world upside down, princess, you became the axis, you became my everything…everything spins around you now, so how would you staying ruin my life when you’re the only thing that keeps it from collapsing in on itself?”

Her watery gaze drifted from my face to the floor, a fresh wave of tears cascaded below her cheeks, her chin, “You don’t get it, you don’t,” She whispered as she looked up at me again.

“I can’t take it anymore, it hurts so bad, I can’t take it…” Her uninjured hand slammed weakly against her chest, “Here, it hurts, but worse of all,” She hit at her temple, “here, there is so much pain in here, so much…I can’t…can’t take it anymore, I can’t…”

“It’s going to be hard,” I said, forcing the words through the panic rising in my throat, “I know it is, but I’ll be there. Always. You won’t go through it alone.”

I took a step forward, slowly, barely.

“It’s going to be all right,” I added, my voice dropping, “I’ll make it all okay, if you just—”

“No, stay back, stay back…” she gripped the fucking glass again, “That’s…that’s what grandpa said before everything crashed…before I forgot her, and I don’t know what he did,” She sniffled, “but you’d do the same for me, I know that. You don’t get it…you don’t understand me, you don’t…”

My whole world went black, extinguished, when she lifted the glass to her neck.

“Aylin!” I moved fast, instinct ripping through me, but she rested the shard right near her vein, her eyes warning me, forcing me to stop, my heels digging into the floor, “Aylin, put it down!”

“You keep your promises, don’t you? That’s what you once told me,” She whispered, the edge of the glass so close to her pulse point, to my favorite rhythm in this world, the only one that ever mattered…without it, I’d fucking die and perish.

A thin droplet of blood slid down her pale skin, so slowly, so fucking cruel, tracing a path from her neck to her collarbone.

My body moved again before I could think, unable to witness this, but she pressed it harder, “Stay back, I said!”

I halted, every muscle in me locking, coiled so tight it felt like I might tear apart from the inside, “Aylin, for the love of god—”

“You keep your promises, right?”

I nodded, panting, “Yeah, yeah…I do.”

“Promise that you’ll leave me alone,” she whispered. “That you won’t come after me…that you’ll let me go. For good. Promise me.”

“Okay—fuck—okay, I will,” I choked out, my heart hammering, nearly jumping out of the confines of my chest, “I promise. I’ll do whatever you want, just—put it down.”

“You will, really?” She asked again, her cheeks so red from all the tears, her eyes so green. I’d be nothing without those eyes.

“I will, I will, now please put it down…Aylin, I am begging you.”

You’ll watch it slip through your fingers,

piece by piece…

Emma’s wish was coming true in real time.

Aylin’s lips lifted up, the corners slightly tilting, smiling, “You’re lying to me,” She whispered, “You didn’t lie to me before, but now you are.”

Her smile was so wrong, so misplaced.

To haunt you before it happens…

“I’m not,” I said, fucking desperate, my voice cracking under the weight of it. “I swear—I’ll leave. I’ll disappear. You’ll never see me again, just put it down—”

She shook her head, “You’re lying again,” she whispered.

…while it’s happening…

I took one step closer, slow.

Her lower lip trembled, but her smile stayed, so soft, so broken, a smile that would haunt me forever.

Another step. I was close, so close, but…late.

“I love you, Nathan…I really do,” She whispered the cursed word as she pushed the shard so deep into her neck.

…and after it’s gone.

⊹˚₊‧────────────────────‧₊˚⊹

Author’s note:

Before I start any book, one scene always comes to my head and that’s how the idea forms, and I build the whole story around it. There is a significant scene in every book of mine that started it.
In this book, it was this last scene.

When I thought of Nathan and Aylin, this was the scene that formed, and I built the whole story around it.

I won’t comment much, but feel free to drop your thoughts and expectations.

See ya soon 💔