Chapter 18

Bhagwan har jagha par nahi ho sakta isliye usne maa ko bnaya, lekin ab jab maa ne hi, maa kehne se mna kr diya ab kiske pass jau?? Kis se fariaad lagau?

I am sitting in my balcony, and letting the wind mess with my hair, The cold wind is giving me goosebumps, but still it is nice. I opened my journal
And started writing what my heart can’t say. My dairy listens what others don’t.

Drop! Another drop fall on dairy page from eyes. But i was still writing.

No. No. I won’t let another tear drop.

I am strong
I am strong
I am strong
I am not!!

I squeeze my eyes. Tears are sign of weakness and i am not weak.

I slowly fall on the couch, I hugged my body tighter, My knees touched my chest, and I closed my eyes.

“ aesa lagta hai jese hawayen bhi fus-fusa kar mera hal puch rahi ho, ki kesa lagta hai?” “inhe kya btau hall mera, mai khud bhi har daffa sochti hu yeh sawal mera”

Sun rays, touched my face, A little wind accompanying the shining rays, I slowly opened my eyes,

I don’t know when i slept on the couch last night.

I got up, and went to freshen up.

After talking s quick shower i went downstairs, I told kaki ( house help, but like a house member) to make tea, and then I went into maa’s room.

I knocked, the door was open, so i got inside,Mom was getting ready.

“ Maa kahin jaa rahi ho?”I asked

[ Mom are you going somewhere?]

Maa didn’t reply.

“ gussa ho?” i asked again but she didn’t reply this time too

[ Are you angry?]

“ mom… Please atleast talk to me na, i know you are protective for me, but i promise to make you both proud–” she Interrupt me

“ acha aur voh kese?” She hold anger in her voice, she never used this tone on me. .

[ Oh really and how?]

“ maa I’ll go and study more and gonna make my own company and expand papa’s bussienss too” I said hoping to see a smile on her face, i looked at her and she slapped me

I got shocked, my hand covered my cheek where she just slapped me.

“ Vani bs kro! Aur kitne jhooth bologi ? She yelled

[ Vani stop it, how much you gonna lie more?]

“ j…jhooth?….ko..nsa jh..ooth ma??” I said trying not to break down, but i can feel myself shaking.

“ you had a boyfriend right? For this we sent you to college? so that you can throw mud on our reputation? ” She said and i got shocked

“ Ho..w you??–” i was trying to make sense of this

“ so this is true? I always supported you vani, i always did, but you shattered my trust completely. You RUINED you father’s reputation. How can you do this to us? And all of the outsiders know but we don’t?”

My tears were falling, i was shaking my head.

“ N..n..no..no..no..mom…no… I didn’t.. i didn’t–” i get close to mom and tried to hold her arm but she jerked my hands off.

“ kis kis ko pta hai iske baare me? Huh? Bolo? Kitne boyfriends hai h
Tumhare? Aur voh Navver bhi tumhara boyfriend hai kya? Ese ladko se kon baat krta hai?BTAO ABB CHUP KYU HO??? Uske sath hi bhaghne ka plan hai na tumhara? ” she yelled, she was crying too, i never saw my mother cry.

“ N…no..no maa,  navver is not my boyfriend, we are not even friends. I don’t even know him properly-” she
intreppted me

“ MAA MAAT BULAO MUJHE… APNE BAAP KI IZZAT KHARB KRNE SE PEHLE MAR KYU NAHI GAI TUM???

NAHI HAI TUMHARI MAA. MAA KI IZZAT KHARAB KRTE TO TUMNE MAA KE BARRRE MAI NAHI SOCHA TUMNE, MAR GAI TUMHARI MAA.”

“ NO.. please maaaa.. don’t sayy thissss, please” i again tried to go close her, and hold her hand,  but she jerked me and went away..

I fall on the floor.
“

I didn’t ruined your reputation please. Please come back… Maa ek baar to sun lo, mene koch nahi kiya, maa mai kahin nahi jaugi, ek baar vapis aa jao, maa please ek baar!!!!!!”

“Mene sab koch barbad kr diya, vani sari teri galti thi. Par maa tum bhi, maa tumne bhi mujh par bharosa nahi kiya? Ek baar tum to meri baat sun leti? Meri kya galti thi? Mai chilai thi, mai roi thi, meri usne bhi bat nahi suni, tum to sun lo, tum to galle se Lagalo, tum mat chordo mujhe, mera kya hoga maa”

“ mai sab ke liye hi buri hu, jis jis ke sath mai hoti hu, uski zindgi barbad kr deti hu, pehle inaiyat ke sath mene jaipur ane ki zid ki thi, us se uske maa or papa ko chen liya mene, fir mere dost, aur uski cheez mein mai khud bhi tabah ho gai, aur ab mujhe maa ne bhi kh diya, to mai zinda kyu hu? Kyu hu mai zinda? Mere jeene ka koi haqq nahi,-”

i instantly looked around the room and stood up, picked up a knife and slide it on my wrist, blood drips on my face, my knife falls on the ground.

If i will be gone, everyone gonna be happy, i am badluck for everyone, I fa on the ground, the pain is now better. Everything gonna be perfect now.

I feel someone calling me, Maybe my ancestors are calling me.

And thats it the darkness hit me, the pain slowly fades away.

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