Chapter 1

I am jealous of my child.

Don’t get me wrong, being a father is the best job in the world. Every morning, being met with the sweetest little smile and the feeling that the day holds nothing but new adventures. As she brushed the sleep out of her eyes, we began the day that would cement my feelings forever.

My wife had an early meeting out of town, so it was me and her for breakfast. We sat at the table for oatmeal and blueberries, her favorite. I finished some work as she watched her cartoons and pet her stuffed cat. Blinky was the animal that she had latched on to since birth. When she laid in her warmer at the hospital, Blinky was there to provide the warm touch that we weren’t able to until she gained some weight. We packed everything up into the car and set out for the pool.

We arrived before the crowds and she suited up for the adventure. I sat in the pool as she approached the edge. Her one piece swimsuit with a little tutu was complimented by the water wings and full face goggles that we had purchased for this specific outing. As I assured her that I would always be there to catch her, she leapt into my arms and proceeded to splash around. We swam laps, played Marco Polo, and swam ourselves silly.

When lunch time came around, we packed up and went to her favorite place. She had always loved the chicken nuggets at Burger King, so for her I choked down a burger. The crown was a little big for her head, but she wore it like a trophy for finishing all of her food. I met the smile in her giant eyes and told her how proud I was that she was growing so big.

After lunch was the park. Children do have enough energy to power a small city. She ran too and fro from the slide to the swings and back. I chased her around the monkey bars three or four times until she met another kid her age and they took off after one another. I retired to the benches with the other parents and watched her build a relationship that would outlive this trip to the park.

My wife had made it home by this point and she called to confirm that everything was in place. We had decided to surprise her with a birthday party. This year she was old enough for her first bike so my wife was at home assembling that and finishing the cake. Her mother would have been arriving around then and was starting the decorating. Lilo and Stitch made for a Hawaiian theme with Leis and Hibiscus dotting the living room. We said goodbye to her new best friend and loaded back up.

Driving home, she started to doze off in the back seat. I looked into the rearview and saw her head cant off to the side as she lost the battle. I turned down the music and cranked the Air Conditioning. She always liked to sleep a little bit cold and I wanted to make sure she was comfortable. We made it onto the highway and almost immediately hit traffic. With her in the back, my normal road rage was kept to a hush and we made our way down the interstate to the exit that took us home.

At the exit, we met a stop light. I took a look around, the road was clear, so I made a right turn. Three more intersections and we turned onto the road that she had always known as home. Three houses down was where she took her first step. That’s where she learned to talk and where she first told me that she loved me. Her bedroom waited where every night she had a bedtime story and we sang her to sleep. She was almost halfway through learning Green Eggs and Ham. She was so proud of herself when she figured out “Boat.”

As I made the final turn, I didn’t see the truck. Everything slowed. I saw the cattle guard make contact with my passenger side and crumple in the seat where my wife would have been. It ripped off the roof as I saw the passenger tire crest the window. Before I knew it, I was looking up at the custom exhaust that he had undoubtedly spent nearly a month’s wages on. The sounds of metal fighting for superiority and glass was deafening. It wasn’t loud enough to drown out the fearful “Daddy?” that came from the back. They cut me out of the mangled mess and sat me on the gurney. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was. Little did they know how the only thing I felt was jealousy. When they cut off the rear door, I couldn’t bear to look. By now my wife had made it to my side, and we both looked as they took out what couldn’t have been bigger than a dinner napkin to cover her. As she laid there, my wife broke down and I just stared. For the first time in 7 years, I was unemployed.

The next week was full of condolences and prayer. We pretended to be christian and filled that tiny hole with my baby girl. When I returned home, all I felt was jealousy. I may never know what she went through in the end, but I know she would never have to deal with what we went through afterwards. Now I am jealous of my wife. After she finds me, she will have the chance to move on. At least I won’t be jealous anymore. I can only hope that when my eyes open, I’ll be met with the sweetest smile that’s ready to meet the adventures of the day.