Chapter 1

Does anyone remember the McDonald’s in Calgary see the torn down McDonalds? The city tore it down 7 years ago but never said why. Whenever I bring it up to my friends, family, or therapists no one seems to remember a building ever being there. The city didn’t even clean up the rubble and now teenagers use it as a place to fuck around. They see the rubble, but no one remembers what was there and I’m starting to think it’s my fault.

10 years ago, when I was 11, my mom and dad took me to McDonald’s one random Saturday morning. There was no one in the store, aside from a couple of workers and I thoroughly enjoyed some pancakes and hashbrowns. I was barely done when my mom said “Go play while mom and dad talk ok?”. I turned my head over to the playplace. I remember it being small, at least, way too small and uninteresting to me. I turned back to argue but stopped short when I saw my dads face. A sort of pain and sadness I had never seen from him. He caught my look and gave me a weak smile and ushered me away. Getting up I shuffled over across the restaurant. I can still remember it so vividly. Blindingly colorful slides, mesh like cages to crawl in, and of course the big ball pit. I could still faintly hear my parents but honestly didn't want to listen to any of it so I crawled into the structure above, found the highest spot and sat with legs clutched around my arms. I knew what was coming, knew the two christmases and birthdays in my future. I just…couldn't understand why. I squeezed my eyes shut and lost myself in a cacophony of thoughts when..there was the softest noise.

Splat…….splat

The best way I can describe it is, like- if a toddler was crawling on a wet floor, smacking their hands as they went. It was coming from above me. But, there was no above. The yellow slide I was in front of was the tallest. Well- it should have been the tallest but something was above me. In fact. I remember thinking that whatever the noise was sounded impossibly high up. When I looked, I didn’t see anything other than the colorful foam beams. I brushed it off to rain or even mice but was still a bit freaked out. Deciding to leave, I put my hands on the sides to throw myself down but as I pushed myself- I saw something out of the corner of my eye. Through the mesh, to my right I saw a red slide. It was so tall I had to crane my neck to look at it and even then I couldn't see the full thing. I hadn't remembered seeing it from the ground, but.. I just try to tell myself it's because it was wrapped around the back of the playplace.

I must have scoured every spot of that playground trying to look for some way to get to that slide, it was only till I was back on the ground that I saw it. A wooden hinged board blocking off an entrance near the back, adorned with a poster of the mcdonalds characters. It must have been some random advertisement. The place was clearly covered up for safety reasons. Beyond the crack there was a gap big enough to walk a couple steps in and then a red tunnel, but it was all covered in a heavy layer of dust and there were old delivery boxes and signs on the floor. For my 11 year old self, this looked like an adventure and my dumbass already felt pretty clever for thinking that if I had gotten caught back there, I could just say there was no sign that said “Keep Out. “. Testing the board, I pushed it slightly and it swung back and forth easily. I peeked my head out where I was to make sure my parents weren't looking at me and pushed forward crawling under the sign until it swung back down after my feet reached the other end.

The ground was dusty and had some spots that creaked when I put weight on them. When I looked up,the small opening of the tunnel stared at me, pitch black. I distinctly remember the smell. Very slightly metallic and there was a warmth that emanated from it. I don't know how long I stood looking at it. I was so curious, I wanted more than anything to see if this would lead me to the red slide but…I don't know…I think even back then I knew something was off. I leaned into the tunnel to try and see better when I heard a voice.

“H-hg-.. ha..ha..ha”

Whoever or whatever it was, was so close I could feel their breath on my face. Startled, I stumbled back until I was flat against the board. I felt frozen, even though a line of sweat rolled off my face with the heat. I stood shaking and tried to slowly slide myself back through the board, but it wouldn't budge. As brave as I pretended to be as a kid I felt a sense of wrong, of dread so strong that my eyes teared up in panic, I started slamming harder and harder on the board trying to ger it to budge but it didn't so much as move. I was about to call for my mom and dad when I felt the heat shift away from me and up the tunnel.

It left me cold, not just cold, it felt freezing. It felt like getting ripped away from something or someone safe, comfortable. The temperature changed so much that when I went to shove the board with my hands, it felt sticky. Sticky because it was so cold, that some of my skin peeled off as I wretched my hand away. I went to scream, afraid of both the tunnel and the stabbing cold beside me until I felt something…primal.

The warmth of the tunnel…

I could get rid of this awful cold if I just stepped closer to the tunnel.

Slowly, I started stepping towards the tunnel. Every step felt warmer, comforting.. Right? Before I even knew it I was slowly climbing inside it.

The heat was intense, but it cradled me softly as I crawled through. I couldn't see more than a foot in front of me, there was no noise. All there was, was heat. I don't remember how much time had passed before I was at a crossroad. A tunnel to the left, and one to the right. I paused for a moment. Following the heat had been so easy, just go forward. But now, I had a choice.I could feel the warmth from both of them, there was no difference between them. I paused and thought of which way the red slide might be, after all, that's what I was there for…at least that's what I told myself. Not even a moment of hesitation passed before I felt the cold air curl on my foot and up and up until it reached my face. I saw my breath in front of me again, and in panicked huffs I looked down to see my fingers turning a pale white. The warmth was slipping away, I couldn't be left behind, I couldn't let it leave me behind. I don't even remember which tunnel I ended up picking, in the end, all I needed to do was go forward and feel peace again.

So many crossroads. So much crawling. The cold hadn't crept up on me for a while as I never stopped. I just kept crawling and crawling, feeling no closer to the red slide, no closer to the end…where was the end? I crawled and crawled. I was covered in sweat, my palms slick and throat dry. What time was it? Were my parents getting worried? I looked to the side of the tunnel as I crawled. Just a deep plastic red. I was so tired. God I was so tired and I was starting to get hungry. I had worn shorts that day, my bare knees scraped the tunnel. The red tunnel made it hard to see but maybe what they left behind wasn't sweat.

I laid on my stomach, and dragged myself deeper into the abyss, never hesitating about going forward until.. I fell.

I don't know for how long, all I knew, all I felt was the need to keep crawling.

I can still hear the sound of my arm snapping when the concrete floor embraced me. I can still taste the pain that shot through my body and the tears that came with it. I breathed and screamed and screamed until all the air in my lungs ran out- What was I doing? Why was I here, where was I going, Why was I crawling? I laid there, on my stomach, curling into myself. I don't remember what I was screaming. Incoherent amalgamations of “mom” or “dad” through snot filled screams. After the air had run out I felt…peace for a moment. I felt everything wash away as my body sank into unconsciousness, but only for a brief moment.

It felt like someone was stabbing me. Starting at my feet and then at my ankle. Sharp needle pricks of the frozen bitter cold. I snapped my feet closer to me, trying impossibly to curl into myself more, but that didn't help. The cold kept coming, crawling over my legs like an avalanche engulfing me. I had to move, I had to move towards the warmth. Yes, that's why I was here, I needed to get closer to it. To be with it. I needed to be part of it. I couldn't crawl anymore. No, I would be too slow with my arm, I need to stand up and run. Run straight into the pitch black, hoping, praying that something would catch me. I can’t begin to describe the pain of running with my arm cradled in the other, of every step feeling like hot coals, of squeezing myself through any tunnel I could find and running, sliding, with my head scratching the top of it. Even more, I can’t describe the excitement (or was it desperation?) that I felt as I got closer to where I knew I belonged. To the heat.

Splat.

I stopped.

Splat……splat…

….wet flesh slapping on the ground. It continued, rhythmically, it took a while for me to breathe again. decided to breathe again. The noise came with a smell, not the hot acidic smell of the tunnels, metallic, copper like. Wet.

I walked forward slowly to the beat.

Splat….splat..

Its funny how different time feels looking back on the memory. I really don't know how long I was walking. In a trance following the smell and noise of…well of I don't know what.. I passed through divides in the tunnels, not even glancing at the ones without the taping noise. Sometimes my feet felt something in their path. Soft cushy things that squelched under my foot. I never looked at them. I could see ahead the tunnel was widening, the smell was as much a part of me as my limbs were and the heat caressed me with each step. I stepped into the impossibly large room, and finally saw it.

Flesh. A mass so large that even as I tried to take in its whole beauty, no matter what way I turned my head I could not see an end to it. Things crawled underneath the intestinal veil. Writhing around, moving softly within the being. That's what it was… a being. It expanded for minutes on end, taking everything around it and then retreated leaving behind red stains and clots where it once was. Pounds of flesh fell as it breathed.

SPLAT. SPLAT

One of them fell right in front of me….A gift. I fell to my knees, staring at the red pulsating mass with … .with love. My mouth salivated and I sunk my hand into it to pull the contents into my mouth. As I bit down the chunk squelched and the gigantic mass in front of me groaned. I stared at it in awe, seeing the masses underneath pulsate and wriggle faster. Mouth agap the chunk fell out of my mouth and I was quick to pick it up and swallow it whole. As the flesh slid down my throat I felt like I was melting, and the being in front of me was melting with me. The blood in my mouth left a rawness in my throat and the meat itself was slick. The taste was almost as amazing as the heat around me.

The mass breathed in again stretching out towards everything, towards me and I crawled as fast as I could with three limbs to meet it. The distance felt like an eternity and when I finally got closer I could see what was beneath the veil. Hands, feet, bodies, all moving. Some stretching out so far it looked like they would emerge from the seal. My eyes were watery from the intense heat so I couldn't make out details but… it all looked like a beautiful rhythmic dance. They glided around his intestine like walls. I couldn't see the faces but I imagined them to be peaceful, happy.

As I got closer, the heat was scalding, my knees already bare from the tunnels were grated down more as the heat licked the skin off them. It didn't feel like anything, there was never any pain. Even when I let my broken arm drop and drag on the scalding earth. I felt nothing. I watched as my hand bled and bled giving back to the mass in front of me. I felt nothing but gratitude that I was able to give something to him. When I was close enough to touch the wall, I didn’t hesitate. I plunged my hand into it and the flesh tightened to pull me in further. It squelched and popped scorching blood onto my face. I barely had time to register that the pop and blood were mine before I was completely submerged.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't see anything, or feel, I only tasted. Trying to breathe my mouth opened and tissue filled it. Soft and wet it lurched into my throat until I was left choking. I should have freaked out, flailed and screamed but I felt like I was where I belonged. I felt happy. My limbs were moved by the flesh around me and I felt my leg softly bend back until it couldn't anymore. There was a snap and the rest of my limbs followed with it. The already broken one flailed easily, giving way to wherever the flesh moved it. Tissue prodded into my sides, prodding the sides of my ribcage, trying to find a way to grasp them, a way to pull them. It pressed and pressed into my skin until eventually it gave way. The other side followed suit and I was being pulled apart. My body would be a part of the mass. A floating chunk under the intestinal lining. I knew I was dying even if I couldn’t feel the pain of it. The last of my senses getting weaker and dimmer. Just in time, as the meat coiled around my neck. It didn’t matter who I was before. I was nobody until I arrived here. A part of something warm. Something whole.

The last thing I consciously knew is that my neck was being pulled and that I was loved.

I wish I had died that day. I wish I was still within that wall of flesh but I awoke to the cold. Cold hands grasping and pulling me out of somewhere. Someone was screaming my name, cradling me in their arms. It was all so bright, so hideous. So dull after being in heaven.

My mom and dad later told me that they had been calling for me for hours. They searched and got employees and police involved but they didn't find me till well past sunset. By then the police urged my parents to go home while they kept searching the surrounding areas even though the cctv never showed me leaving the playplace. My mom didnt listen to them and stayed there all night, staring at the playground, expecting me to miraculously pop out…in a way, i did. My mom still blames herself, says she and everyone else was so, so, stupid for missing me just beneath the ballpit. Arm broken and unconscious. She swears she checked it several times, that somehow she missed me. That she swears she scourged the place several times, only for me to be there later.

When I came too was in the hospital. I stayed there for a long time. Barely talking, barely eating. My dad would hold me and cry and ask me what happened. I barely registered the words he was saying before my mind went back to thinking about him. My parents didn't really let me see myself. They said the red stuff on my skin were rashes, the indents on my sides bruises. Honestly, I didn't care about the injuries. I just hated being apart from him.

One night, after weeks of my arm getting worse, I was alone. I looked at the blood soaked cast and down to my fingers. They were red, swollen, smelled metallic and felt…warm. I reached down and bit them off. It was the only thing close to being with Him I've ever felt.

They amputated my arm after that. I spent years in a mental health facility. I'm 21 now, and my parents are finally trusting me to be by myself for the night after years of begging and sane behaviour. My mom fussed over me all morning before they left, I smiled to ease her nerves. I was fine, I am fine. Of course it was the most genuine smile I had given her in years, because tonight I was happy. Tonight, I'm going to go to the ruins. And I will dig and dig until I find Him. Until we are together again. Until I die like I was supposed to.